


Holding Patterns

by eyezonlyii



Series: To Be Your Anchor [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Reunions, Romance, more to come - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-26
Updated: 2014-10-21
Packaged: 2018-01-17 01:35:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1369084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eyezonlyii/pseuds/eyezonlyii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan has been given a mission to a small planet to assist with a potential threat. After two years of languishing after the Normandy crash, he's grateful for the assignment.</p>
<p>Shepard is coming to grips with being alive. He hasn't even thought about trying to live. And now there's another war. No rest for the weary..</p>
<p>In a matter of hours, Steve's home and husband were taken from him. It wouldn't be much to have is life too...</p>
<p>And James?  James just wants to forget it all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Adrift

There was no telling how long he had been sitting on the bench, contemplating, but not quite enjoying the view. The sky above glimmered with the barest of blues and wispy clouds feathered along, their tendrils twirling and pointing at one another, daring to reach but never touch. From below, the fragrant aroma of freshly cut grass wafted to his nose and speckles of light danced in his vision from the dew that still lingered. He shivered, having left his jacket in the office as he stormed out to get some air. He knew eventually he would have to go back and finish the report he had started on, but for now he needed this; needed to be out here…

_No_ , he thought as he shook his head ruefully, he needed to be out _there_. Raising his eyes to the sky yet again, wishing (not for the first time) that he could see through the clouds and atmosphere and into the endless void of space. Even with the loss he had suffered, he would rather be out there than sitting on a park bench in Vancouver, on Earth, slowly waiting, more like wasting actually, if he was truly honest with himself.

“Excuse me young man,” a strong, but firm voice pulled him from his thoughts and Kaidan turned to see a woman standing beside the bench with a map in her hand; an unusual sight in this day and age with omni-tools and such. But he figured there were probably those from the older generations that still weren’t comfortable with all the new technologies. She was tall and her white hair was covered with a maroon scarf that separated the long locks into thick columns that cascaded behind her and were adorned at the ends with even more maroon accents, lending a sense of severity to her already handsome features. She held a soft gaze, however, with a hint of sorrow in the golden eyes that were staring at him expectantly. When she had deemed that she garnered his attention, she continued. “I’m seeking the Alliance administration offices, but I seem to have gotten turned around. Would you mind pointing me in the right direction?”

There was something in her voice that made it impossible to so say no, even though Kaidan really wanted to. It was about time to get back to his desk anyway. “I was actually on the way there myself. I could walk with you if you would like,” his voice came out huskier than normal, considering it was the first time he had used it all morning.

“Oh that would be wonderful,” she replied, her eyes crinkling at the corners when her smile crept up and Kaidan stood, brushing his hands on his pants and stretched before he faced her again. The wan smile still perched on her lips as he extended his arm in the direction in which they needed to walk.

She took a few steps forward and something about her poise tugged at his mind. Her steps were measured and slow, with the heels of her boots click-thumping on the pavement. There was a grace with which she moved that captivated him and it wasn’t until she turned around again that he realized he hadn’t moved.

“I believe you were going to show me the way. Or is the old hag moving too fast for the young soldier?” Her head rolled back and forth as a throaty chuckle passed through her. Sheepishly, Kaidan stumbled forward, his neck burning from embarrassment.

“My apologies madam. Let’s get going.” He took the lead and they walked along in a comfortable silence for a block. The temperature had started to rise just a bit and he swiped at his forehead. As they rounded a corner, he turned to the woman striding beside him.

“So, what brings you to the Administration, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Her ivory locks slung across her shoulders as she took a couple of more steps in silence. Lips quirking at the corners, she finally answered, “I have an appointment to keep.” She offered no more and Kaidan didn’t press. Instead, she returned his question with one of her own, “And what pray tell, keeps you here?”

For two years Kaidan had avoided asking himself that very question because to do so meant to confront a truth that was much too painful to bear. His chest tightened as the memories of two people floating apart, one living while encased in a metal tomb and the other dying while flailing through the abyss played through his mind. Far too quickly he was back in the pod, screaming things that should have been whispered after a night of coming together instead of while hurtling away from one another, and crying over someone who couldn’t shed their own tears.

He realized he had zoned out when he heard his own heartbeat pounding in his ears and saw the old woman regarding him carefully. Taking a few calming breaths, he swallowed and set his jaw, “I work here.”

“And that’s all…”

The phrase hung in the air; neither a question nor a statement, but both at the same time. Kaidan could either let it drop, or…and for a reason he couldn’t quite fathom, he wanted to elaborate. He didn’t know this woman from any other grandmother on the street, yet for some reason, he felt as if telling her everything about him was not only expected, but unnecessary as well.

“I lost…someone.” It was the most succinct way he could put it. Shepard had meant everything to him, even if he never had the courage to let the man know. Not that he really needed to because it was obvious that Shepard felt the same way, what with all the after mission talks, the way Kaidan would always find Shepard’s head quickly turning away with a tinge of scarlet on his cheeks when he walked past, the increasingly enthusiastic biotic training maneuvers that tickled parts of his mind that he had repressed for a long time; shining light on the some of the few good memories he recalled from BAaT when Vyrnuss would pit him against a younger redheaded firecracker. A boy whom obviously was into him, but never said a word. _Just like with me and Shepard_ …

“So you decided it was safer to stay here than go and find him?”

At this, Kaidan literally stopped in his tracks to stare at her. Was she being obtuse and insensitive on purpose? Obviously, she knew he was in the Alliance because she had eyes that were clearly working and he was very much in uniform, which meant that she _had_ to know what he meant by “I lost someone”. He narrowed his eyes and was about to tell her what he really meant when she interrupted him.

“Ah thank you, I believe this is where we part ways. Take some advice from an old woman who talks too much,” she leaned close to him and gripped his arm in a surprising show of power. “Sometimes it takes more strength to live after a loss than it does to survive it.” He blinked, not really knowing what to make of what she had just said as she released him and began climbing the marble steps into the administrative building. Halfway up, she called over her shoulder, “Take care, Major Alenko. And do be strong. Not only for you, but for him as well.” She resumed her walk and after a few seconds, was swallowed by the crowd.

Even as it warmed up, a cold shiver trickled down Kaidan’s spine. He never mentioned the fact that Shepard was a man and he would have chalked her appellation of “Major” up as a mistake on reading his insignia, but there was a conviction in her voice that told him she knew exactly what she was talking about. Again swiping at the sweat beading on his brow, he turned to head for the Psych Ward. 

* * *

 

 The building itself was just as pretentious as the nickname given to it. It was a converted cathedral, with multiple rooms added on and walls within to create more office space and was a compromise to the local residents; the Alliance needed somewhere to house their biotics, and the locals were wary of those same people. Sitting at the end of its own avenue, in front stood a large metal gate at the entryway with a miniature guardhouse in the middle from where the two sides hinged. Purely symbolic of course, as Kaidan and most of the Alliance personnel knew that if the biotics really wanted to get out, a metal gate wouldn’t hold them.

The irony of the location of his office and base of operations wasn’t lost on him at all. People who revered a being with supernatural powers and bent on their knees to praise and entreat themselves before his likeness were also at the same time afraid and downright disgusted at the fact that there were human beings (and aliens, but for some reason aliens were more tolerated) that were gifted with abilities that were in no way on par with that of a god.

Kaidan respected the right for people to have whatever beliefs granted them the ability to live with life’s struggles, and he in his search for peace had read literature from many on his own. However, he had a working theory that maybe, the reason a god with supernatural powers was not only tolerated, but worshiped while a human with scientifically understood abilities was ostracized came down to one simple fact: humans have emotions, needs, wants, and desires. Whereas a god may _want_ only the supplication of its followers, a human _needs_ things to survive, and some people believe their needs override the needs of others. And a person will go to great lengths to satisfy a need. Kaidan should know, he spent a few months attempting to do just that after the Normandy incident.

Flashing his badge at the gatekeeper, he ground his teeth as the gate creaked open, the sound piercing the otherwise quiet morning and jarring him back to reality. His footsteps echoed off the stone steps, amplified by the high archway housing the thick, wooden double doors to the building. He paused, taking a quick breath before pressing on. As soon as he opened those doors, it would be back to work, his mental vacation for the day exhausted.

The dank air from the other side of the door rushed past him as he swung the door open wide. Out of habit he tossed a wave to the secretary’s desk and brushed by without making eye contact. It was bad enough that the poor girl had a crush on him, but ever since he actually took the time to make conversation with her, she seemed more and more persistent with her efforts. She was far from unattractive, actually she was downright gorgeous. She stood just above his shoulder in height. Her green eyes clashed perfectly with her pale skin, while her raven hair shadowed her frame from head to elbow. At first it hung straight, effectively hiding her features, but ever since that conversation about a month ago, she began trying new looks, some which caught his eye, and others that…he was glad he didn’t work next to her all day.

Unfortunately for her, there was nothing she could do, she wasn’t Shepard, and she never would be. He had eventually gotten over the pain; that weight of despair in the back of his skull that tinted his every thought. It took time, it took effort, but eventually, he was able to breathe again without crying his name. Though his conversation with the old woman from earlier today brought back some of those feelings, he through his years of training, _Breath before body…_ eased his mind and stepped into his office, ready to finally finish the training report that lay taunting him.

He was two more lines into his report when the door burst open.

“Sorry to intrude Sir, but I was told to inform you that you were late,” he could hear the amusement in his Lieutenant’s voice as he hovered over Kaidan’s desk, most likely with his arms crossed and a smirk.

An exasperated sign accompanied his gaze as he abandoned the report yet again, “The meeting doesn’t start until 1300, Girard. I believe I have a few hours to finish this.”

Girard’s smirk fell into a then line as he leaned his weight onto the desk, slipping a datapad to him at the same time, “This is a different meeting, Commander. Cathleen sent you multiple feeds this morning while you were out.”

He didn’t have to voice his thought as Kaidan flushed from what he wasn’t saying. _She sent you multiple reports that you ignored because you’re avoiding her._ Girard opened his mouth to continue, but his omni-tool chirped and he quickly answered it. “Girard here-“

“Lieutenant,” _Hackett’s voice!_ “Tell me Staff Commander Alenko is with you. There’s only so long I can wait before moving without him.”

Kaidan pointed to his own omni-tool, and Girard nodded. “I’m in his office right now Sir. Would you like me to connect you to him?”

“If you’re with him, he can hear me. I need you over here yesterday, Alenko. You too LT. Don’t keep me waiting.” The channel clicked closed and Kaidan and Girard exchanged a nervous glance. Pushing himself away from the desk, Girard failed to suppress another smirk, “You heard the man, sir. Let’s get going.”

Rubbing his brow with his thumb and forefinger, Kaidan sighed as he rose from his chair. “Yea. Was it me or did Hackett sound more upset than usual?”

I can’t believe this,” Kaidan grumbled. Of all days for Hackett (really Hackett himself?) to need his attention, it had to be on the one day he allowed himself to play hooky during work. Now here he was, pushing through the Psych Ward with his lieutenant hopping to keep step behind him. Their combined footfalls echoed off the stone floor, announcing their hurried pace to everyone within. What could Hackett need that he would be looking for Kaidan personally? There was nothing new from the Normandy crash site, as Kaidan had flagged any correspondence on that matter as urgent, no matter how insignificant it might seem. His last physical exam had gone well, indicating no lingering trauma from the crash. It could be about his mental state, as he avoided meeting with any psychologist, whether Alliance provided or not, for as long as possible. It wasn’t that he was afraid of an unfortunate diagnosis, in fact, it was quite the contrary, he KNEW his mental state, and had a good handle on everything as far as he was concerned. So what could it be?

“Sir?”

Kaidan turned back to Girard upon hearing the younger man. “Did you say something Lt.?”

“I was just asking if you had any idea why the Admiral is calling you to the QEC, and specifically why he wants me as well,” he shrugged as he spoke, a lopsided grin crawling onto his face.

“I was just wondering the same about that myself. I can’t think of any-OOMF!” His answer was cut short as he barked out a lungful of air. There was more surprise than pain as his brain registered the collision and the floor came up to greet him. He was vaguely aware of another body tumbling as well, and twisted his body, the flat of his back taking the brunt of the impact. He was fine for a split second, until a blast of pain exploded from his lip.

“Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh! I am sooooooooo sorry Commander!” He winced immediately, not from his busted lip, as much as the recognition of the young woman’s distressed squeal.

Regaining the use of his limbs as he rolled her off his chest (she was of no help in the maneuver, he noticed) Kaidan groaned,” It’s my fault. I wasn’t paying attention. Are you alright?” The incriminating shade of pink and the way she was still leaning just a little too close to him indicated all he needed to know.

“If I said no…?” she asked, and Kaidan noticed the slight arch in her back, the tilt of her head and the way she “naturally” let her lips continue to hang open in mockery of the pinup pose. Inwardly he groused, if their situations had been reversed and  _he_ was acting this way around  _her_ , it would be no doubt sexual harassment, and he would be off to some disciplinary meeting, and attending sensitivity and workplace training courses from now until his next assignment. As it stood, he would really be doing a disservice to his already low questionable reputation around the base if he reported her.

Shaking his head as he picked himself up, he simply replied, “If you were not alright then you would have to file a workplace incident report with Human Resources within the next 24 hours, provided you wanted to be covered in case an injury were to have been caused.” Her eyes went wide and mouth fell open at the obvious brush off she was getting. Still, she took the hand that he offered her. “Cathleen, please. How about we be more careful in the future?” He sounded a bit harsh, even in his own ears and she simply nodded and shuffled down the hallway back to her desk.

“Wow sir, did you really have to kick a girl while she’s down?” Kaidan raised a warning brow at his Lieutenant, but the man just didn’t know when to stop, “I mean it’s not her fault she fell for you.” It was a battle of wills, both attempting to maintain a straight face. With all the practice he had during his lifetime, it was no surprise to Kaidan that Girard cracked first. “Oh come on! You  _know_  that was funny!” he whined as they opened the doors to the QEC in tandem.

There was no need for them to activate the comm, as Hackett’s distorted figure was already on display, pacing in and out of view. Even from the distance and through the wavelengths, Kaidan could already see the scowl on the older man’s features. He could identify most of the other figures on the channel as well: Councilor Udina, Alliance representative on the Citadel; Amul Shastri, Alliance Prime Minister and Admiral Mikhailovich, the uptight arsehole who tried to throw his bars around. Kaidan’s lips quirked upward as he repressed a smile at the memory of Shepard schooling him in front of the Normandy. Garrus’s face was priceless at the blatant disregard for authority. He frowned when he spotted the last face. This one he did not know, but her stance was rigid and her expression cold. She squinted as he met her eyes.

“Good morning Commander, glad you could finally join us,” Hackett began. Kaidan’s response was on his lips when the woman interjected.

“I really hope he is as qualified as you say he is Admiral. So far I’m not impressed. I came to the Alliance seeking professional aid. If I wanted-”

“With all due respect, Chancellor, Lieutenant Commander Alenko is nothing  _but_ professional. Now if you would compose yourself, we can begin,” the Chancellor, whoever she was, seethed before righting herself and fixing her eyes to Kaidan.

He straightened his shoulders and set his feet, hearing Girard move into place behind him.

“As I was saying, Good morning, Commander Alenko, Lieutenant Girard. In the interest of time-”

“Which we are quickly running very short on,” Udina huffed.

“-we are going to keep this as brief as possible.” Hackett was visibly irritated, his fists clenching and Kaidan saw his jaws pulse as he ground his teeth. He couldn’t blame the man, with this many politicians in one room, someone was bound to say something that would be “misrepresented” later. “I’m sure you’re familiar with everyone else, so I’m going to introduce Chancellor Inato Morinozuka of the planet Trident, located in the Attican Traverse. At this Hackett paused, Kaidan assumed for the Chancellor to speak up. Instead she tilted her head for him to continue. “She’s come to us with a request for aid, and yes, you are the most qualified to lend it, given you past…interactions with the subjects in question.”

Something about his speech and the way Hackett was looking at him sent a series of shivers through Kaidan’s mind. Whatever these “subjects” were, it wasn’t good. He doubted they were Geth, as there hadn’t been any sign other than various small pockets of activity of the synthetic lifeforms. And considering how the Council had been acting regarding the origin of Sovereign, that ruled out the Reapers (though it really shouldn’t have with all the evidence Shepard had brought back). Which left…

 “Cerberus.” His suspicions were correct when the Chancellor’s eyes went comically wide with shock, Mikhailovich let out a small cough, Shastri gasped, and Hackett had the most smug look on his face this side of Wrex and a base full of pirates.

“My apologies Commander. Truly you are the right person for this job.” It really sounded like it hurt for her to say that.

Shastri elaborated, “About 3 days ago, Trident Planetary Defense located an unidentified facility in one of their minor archipelagos. It is believed to be a Cerberus facility but aside from that, we have no idea what to expect.” He activated his omni-tool and a galaxy map not unlike the one in the Normandy exploded into view, highlighting first the Attican Traverse, then zooming into the Hades Nexus, entering Hoplos cluster and finally reaching Trident. If the effect was to show Kaidan just how remote the planet was, then it worked. A satellite image of the facility in question opened next to the now zoomed in map of the region. There was no doubt about it; to the naked eye, it looked just like any other prefabricated building, but Kaidan’s mouth went dry and his palms started to sweat. Footage a lone figure exiting the building started playing and he instantly recognized the uniform. This was definitely a Cerberus facility.

 

* * *

 

_“Alenko, are you sure you’re going the right way?” Shepard’s voice was nearly inaudible, authority stretched thin; confidence attempting and failing to veil what Kaidan knew to be the tremble of nerves. Kaidan tapped on the displays, his fingers twitching and palms itchy like they always were before he stepped into a hot zone, which he had to admit, the chances of doing so had increased exponentially since joining the Normandy crew and receiving the mission to track down Saren and the Geth. He chanced a glance at Williams, but she was seated, her helmet already on, but Kaidan had the suspicion that she was asleep. How anyone could sleep in a Mako was beyond him, but she seemed to get the best rest while the rest of them were jostling about, clinging for dear life as the machine around them slid, rolled, and tumbled around._

_Garrus’s head snapped up though. He heard it too, the wispiness of Shepard’s voice. He sounded nervous. This was a bad sign. Shepard was NEVER nervous. Kaidan turned, stealing a glance at the Commander. His helmet sat in his lap, and his icy blue eyes was unfocused as he stared out the window, but Kaidan was definitely sure he couldn’t see anything. His left hand tapped lightly on his helmet while he absentmindedly stroked the scar along his hairline with his right. Kaidan started when he saw the bulge in his jaw from the clenching and unclenching of muscle. This wasn’t normal for Shepard. On any other mission, he would be lightheartedly complaining about Kaidan’s piloting (the crew had agreed that Shepard was never allowed to pilot again after Therum), or politely ignoring and declining Liara’s many advances. Right now however, he was leaning against the paneling, head thumping on the display screen._

_Kaidan swallowed, mulling over what to say as he scanned the remainder of the mission crew. Admiral Kahoku had sent out the coordinates for this Cerberus instillation while they were dealing with a Geth advance in the Armstrong Nebula. Usually after missions, especially one as combat intensive as that, the crew was allowed a two to three day break to rest and recuperate. As soon as they boarded the Normandy and Shepard heard the message, Shepard ordered an incredulous Joker to jump to the Hades Nexus. All hands were on deck for this one._

_They had dealt with Cerberus before, chasing down failed experiments and other atrocities, and Shepard hadn’t so much as batted an eye. But then they went to Ontarum after dealing with Benezia on Noveria (Kaidan hadn’t been able to look Liara in the eye since then) and Shepard witnessed a former soldier in his unit nearly execute a scientist. Originally, the mission was to stop the would-be assassin, Toombs if he remembered correctly, but he proved to be no threat to them. Even more disturbing was the fact that he seemed familiar to Kaidan, but he couldn’t quite place from where he could know the man. His face was covered by his helmet and Kaidan was more occupied with Shepard’s reaction. Watching him beg and plead with the man to be bigger than his past was heart wrenching, especially so after Kaidan heard they were both part the same attack on Akuze. Adding to that was the unspoken history that floated between them, or maybe Kaidan had just been over analyzing, which he usually does, and is in no way going to start letting thoughts like that impress upon Shepard, and definitely a box he was not going to open._

_It was there that they learned of Cerberus involvement at Akuze, and if Kaidan was going to be honest with himself, there that he started to... **WILL NOT open box!**_

_“Stupid box,” he grumbled._

_“To which Garrus again perked up, his mandibles twitching when he caught sight of Shepard’s state. “Commander…is everything all right?” It was a good thing the Turian hadn’t spent much time around humans because he completely missed the unintentional (and definitely embarrising) glare that Kaidan shot him before he could stop it._

_“I couldn’t save him…”_

_Kaidan strained to hear his Commander again, leaning over into his personal space. “Save who Shepard?” he prompted. Maybe if he got Shepard talking, he could put his mind at ease._

_“Toombs. We were told to go check on a colony that went dark. It was my mission and I couldn’t save him; or anyone. He could have run, could have gotten out, but he used his biotics to throw me to safety.” Shepard’s eyes slammed shut, no doubt reliving that moment. His breath quickened and Kaidan could feel the tension getting worse. Thankfully he wasn’t wearing his helmet and was still whispering so the conversation wasn’t being broadcast. Kaidan spared another glance around the Mako: Garrus had gone back to fiddling with his gun; Ash was still knocked out; Tali was on her omni-tool, most likely sending “non-critical” schematics back to the Quarian fleet; Wrex and Liara were arguing and the two Marines brought along for the assault, Kimber and Jones were hovering over Kimber’s omni-tool._

_“Shepard, you know there’s nothing you could have done,” he began, “It was a freak accident, or so you thought, but as you said it was a setup by Cerberus,  just like with Kahoku’s men.” Thinking back on it, Kaidan remembered just how frantic Shepard had been when the thresher maw hit. He didn’t think on it too much then, because well, it **was**  a thresher maw. And now knowing that 50 Alliance Marines died so that somebody could play mad scientist…he shook his head, he couldn’t imagine how the man was managing to hold it together._

_“I know that Lieutenant!” Kaidan flinched from the outburst. Immediately however Shepard apologized, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped. I just-what if this is a trap too? What if I’m sending us all to our deaths? I know this isn’t our focus, we should be hunting down Saren, but after hearing what they did to Toombs…” Shepard’s face fell into his hands and Kaidan without thinking or looking reached overreached for him. He gave a gentle squeeze as he reassured him._

_“You’re not sending anyone to our deaths Shepard, at least not this time,” he couldn’t take his eyes from the drive as the terrain had shifted and became even more perilous. He kept his voice light, even throwing in a chuckle for good measure. The goal was to placate the man, not have him second guessing his second guesses._

_He felt the heat radiating from the tense muscle under his palm. It was solid and thick, much thicker than any arm had any right to be. He felt when Shepard stiffened during his half-hearted attempt at humor and wondered if maybe he had the opposite effect from his intention. When the ground final evened out, and they crept under a precarious looking boulder formation, he turned to his Commander once again and realized why he had garnered such a reaction._

_He took a few breaths, wondering how to resolve this most awkward situation. His hand. Shepard’s thigh. Not. His. Arm. And he had squeezed. And Shepard still hadn’t said anything. In fact, no one was saying anything. Kaidan snatched his hand back, digging his fingers in to the controls so hard he was sure they would break. Maybe he should break them. It would probably be preferential to whatever Shepard was going to do to him in any moment. He set his jaw and rolled his shoulders._

_He met Shepard’s eyes. When the man got emotional, they were the sharpest blue Kaidan had ever seen. It was like watching pure energy circling his pupils. Kaidan especially loved when the biotics came on, igniting a spark that set the world ablaze. Those were the eyes he was expecting. Instead, they were pale, not sickly or sad, but wistful, relaxed? His shoulders were loose too, his hands resting on his thighs, his fingertips brushing over where Kaidan’s had just been._

_“Kaidan..I-” he whispered, his words tugging in Kaidan’s ear. “I can’t-I need,” he faltered, slumping further into the seat, eyes screwing shut._

_“John,” he stated, the word punctuating the atmosphere and rumbling over them. Even to his ears, he sounded gravelly and heavy. It was too much for a subordinate, but he knew it was welcomed, it was what Shepard asked for, “I’ll take care of it.”_

_Shepard blinked once, then again and nodded. He sank back, relaxing further, hand still hovering on the spot where Kaidan had touched him._

* * *

 

“I’m guessing I’m being chosen because we took down the Cerberus outpost on Nepheron,” Kaidan surmised.

“That is correct Commander,” Udina sighed tersely, “Madam Chancellor has requested a joint Alliance/Trident Security Forces operation to neutralize this facility. In return for Alliance aid on the matter, the technology, data and any other non-Trident sensitive information go to the Alliance—”

“While they get all the credit.” Leave it to Girard to cut through all the bullshit. Kaidan chuckled as Udina’s mouth pressed impossibly thin, his eyes narrowing just about as thinly.

“If we were going to be so crude, then yes, Trident Security Forces will be positioned as the primary operatives once the mission is successful.”

“You will be joining Admiral Mikhailovich on the SSV Ain Jalut. I’m sure you’ll find the accommodations quite familiar.”

“It’s the second Normandy class spaceship,” the commanding Admiral chimed in. Though at least he had the good graces to be slightly abashed with the memory of what he had said two years ago.

“You have two days Alenko. You’ll receive a full briefing on the matter upon boarding. Any questions?” Kaidan could tell Hackett was ready to end the call.

“No sir.”


	2. Aboard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The meeting with the Illusive Man strained his patience thin enough, but that was to be expected. The man obviously had no qualms or regrets about his “organization”, but at least he had vision. Shepard didn’t agree with it (especially since he had been personally affected, if not outwardly targeted twice now), and would be loathe to admit respect, but he could understand; humanity is the neophyte in the galactic community, and with the lingering mistrust simmering beneath a veneer of pleasantries with respect to the Council (Sovereign’s defeat being de-emphasized), Cerberus wasn’t a bad idea on paper, but in practice...that remained to be seen.

Formless. Everywhere and nowhere. It was so vast, there was no telling where it ended and where it began. It was thick, weighing oppressively around and upon, even within. It was dark too, no...this was beyond dark, well past being absent of light, because to have an absence of something implied that it was possible for that something to exist. Light couldn’t exist. Not here. Nothing could exist.

 

Bmmp

 

And yet…

There was movement. Not so much up in the sense of from bottom to top as there was no direction, Nothing for orientation, no rules, or Laws, just...Nothing. But the movement was there. Up, but not up. TOwards, but not to or from anything. Rising. That’s what was happening. Rising.

 

Bmmp

 

It was there again, that disturbance. Not waves bouncing off a surface to produce sound. Along with the rising more movement came. Flowing, shifting, ebbing and coursing. All at once, all in sequence. None at all. The Void shifted, pressing even closer, rushing infinitely slowly, the seconds over in an eternity.

 

Bmmp

 

Searing! Brilliance! Radiance! Exploding forth, racing along the Nothing, filling the crevices, piercing the shadows. The Light Blinded, and smothered, spilling across the Void repelling the darkness. Where the Light ended and Nothing began, in that Space between, something else arose.

 

Bmmp

 

That something rippled, vibrations flitting through the ether, each ripple larger than the last. Every crest rising above the one that preceded it., the period between peaks growing shorter, ever shorter until eventually they were unison, pulsing as one along the Light, and within the Nothing

 

Bmmp

 

The plane shifted still. Edges and crags forming along the surface. Now there was contrast and relief, heat and cold along with light and dark. It was irregular, tendrils of contradiction stretching forth, reaching and twisting their running vines, climbing over under and through the miasma.

 

Bmmp

It was chance that they came together as they did; pure happenstance of destiny. Perfection in serendipity as two met, the contrast converging at one node. The joining was bliss, it was chaos. A spark jumped between them, from light to dark. From one to the other.

Then it spread, More sparks between more nodes, creating hubs which spawned more streams that then converged on other centers, repeating the process over and over again. The energy was dizzying, the scale mesmerizing.

 

It was life.

 

Bmmp

* * *

  


“He’ll never trust us if we don’t tell him who we’re working for.”

“Ah Jacob, I see you’re conscience has gotten the better of you.”

The shuttle’s engines hummed through the walls, a constant droning that was both soothing and intrusive. The sound rolled off his body, and vibrated through his mind as Shepard hunched in his seat in the bay. Jacob had finally taken the hint and long ago had stopped his futile attempts at small talk while Miranda’s icy gaze slid over him, unimpressed from time to time. It didn’t matter. None of it did.

From what Shepard was told (and what he was trying, yet unable to successfully wrap his head around at the moment), he had been dead for the past two years. Dead. As in no life, no pulse. “Meat and tubes” Jacob had said. And yet here he was, slumped against the bulkhead of a Cerberus shuttle heading to see The Illusive Man, who although Shepard had recently put a major dent in his operations, nevertheless found the need to devote more resources than most star systems could even fathom for his resurrection. And in the midst of all that, the “secure” station had been attacked from within by one of their own. If they couldn’t even trust themselves, how the hell did they expect him to trust them?

He had been good about avoiding it so far, but when the pilot made a swerving move, Shepard’s head was thrown awkwardly and he got a full view of the window. Had this been years ago, when he was first old enough to appreciate the scene, Shepard would have “oohed” and “ahhed” with the best of the them. His 5 year old self, was overjoyed when his father held him up to the window to watch Berkenstein fade from view as they rode for the heavens. Even aboard the Normandy, while chasing Saren and trying to save the galaxy, that sense of awe was there. Must have been human nature or something embedded deep within, a feeling of accomplishment for having made this grand journey into the Void.

But that was a lifetime ago.

Now,the crescendo of excitement that usually accompanied a voyage into the stars had been replaced by another feeling. This one too started within his core, but the oily ropes trickled through his veins, and Shepard was sure he could feel his blood congealing; the icy skeins threatening to shatter as the memories caused his body to tremble.

_“Honey you really should take some time off. It would be nice for a mother to see the son who saved the Citadel you know.” Hannah Shepard’s voice echoed through the comm._

_Shepard chuckled at the not too subtle hint, “What you really mean is you’ve finally finished matching me with another wide-eyed colony girl, right?” He closed his eyes while shaking his head. He loved his mother to death, and knew she meant the best, but her incessant need for grandchildren was more than a little grating. Especially since he knew that...well unless he met a truly spectacular woman, there was almost no way he was going to have children the natural way. Not that he didn’t like women, because he did, but because there was someone else constantly running through his mind. His mother laughed, a hearty sound that bounced through the room and rang off the walls, just as it had when he was a child. The memory brought a smile to his lips. “Guilty as charged. But you can’t blame a mom for trying. It’s what we do. Now that I don’t have you to look after any more.”_

_Shepard was sprawled on his bed in the C/O’s quarters, arms bear-hugging his pillows as his legs dangled off the edge, having recently shed any sense of unease about enjoying the trappings of his station. During the chase with Saren around the galaxy, he usually slept in the cramped units reserved for the crew; at first out of habit, but eventually after some prodding from both Kaidan and Ashley, made the move to Anderson’s former room._

_As was his prerogative, he had comm chatter from the helm routed visually to his comm, wanting to keep an eye on things, as never again would he let a mission go the way of Akuze. No matter how long it had been, the memory still caught up to him every once in awhile, pulling his spirits down and quickening his breath, until all he could hear was the rasping of his throat trying to bring in more oxygen than his body needed. Blood rushed through his ears as he heard the roar of the thresher maws closing in, felt the vibrations as they burrowed through the ground around him. He saw the room shaking with each dive they took. This is too real, he thought._

_He doesn’t remember the next bit too well, how he ended up standing at the lockers suiting up under fire. He does remember Kaidan gasping for breath in his ear though._

_“Shepard!” he screamed, the flames roaring to drown him out. A smirk flitted across his lips as Shepard mused at that irony._

_“Distress beacon is ready for launch.” Shepard snapped his helmet into place, offering a silent prayer that that the crew survive this._

_“Will the Alliance get here in time?” As soon as the words left Kaidan’s lips, another explosion rocked the ship, sending him into Shepard’s arms. Even then, ship under fire and falling apart around them, and screams echoing throughout the vessel, a feeling of ease settling over him, grounding him and Shepard knew that there was nothing he wanted more than to feel those arms wrapped around him all the time. Instead, they righted themselves as Shepard glanced at the console again. Absently he grabbed a fire extinguisher and then tossed it back to the other man._

_“The Alliance won’t abandon us. We just need to hold on. Get everyone to the escape shuttles.” Before he could take more than two steps, Kaidan spoke up again._

_“Joker’s still in the cockpit, he won’t abandon ship.” Shepard rolled his eyes, cursing inwardly, Of course he would stay with the ship, the fucker was so hung up over his Vrolick’s that he would do anything to compensate, he thought. Because of his inner tirade, he nearly missed what was said next, “And I’m not leaving either.”_

_That feeling that Shepard had been fighting for the past few months whenever he thought of Lieutenant Alenko came roaring around him again, his chest seizing short and his breath hitching as well. And it wasn’t just him. He heard those very same feelings in Kaidan’s voice, the same ones they never acknowledged beyond a sheepish smile, or a blushing glance. In that split second, he thought of all the time they had wasted, doing this little dance of theirs; either waiting for the other person, or waiting for themselves to step forward. Apparently the universe decided time was up, and that ship had sailed. That realization alone brought him back to reality; there were people decks up that needed to be saved, their lives were just as important as his._

_With as much resolve as he could muster, he choked on the guilt rising in his chest and put on his best commander voice, “I need you to get the crew onto the evac shuttles. I’ll take care of Joker.” Maybe it was just his imagination, or maybe there was some unknown force of attraction between biotics that no one had known about, but it was almost as if he could feel the resignation course through the other man. And they knew. They both knew: Shepard wasn’t coming back._

Shepard snapped to reality before more of the memory started to surface. He looked around, noticing that Jacob had now taken to actively avoiding any eye contact. Even Miranda seemed uncharacteristically solemn. Shepard blinked in the light, the glare being more intense than he remembered. He licked his lips. Salty, he thought, just before he put the pieces together. Shifting to his feet, he decided he would deal with his insecurities later.

* * *

 

Shepard descended the stairs slowly, his boots falling numbly on the tile beneath him. Though he knew he was treading softly, still the noise was nearly thunderous to his ears. His pulse quickened as he contemplated raising a Barrier just to be safe. Neither Miranda nor Jacob had followed him, and he wasn’t sure if that was a good sign or not. Still, he had been brought back, by this “Illusive Man”, so there really wasn’t much to do except get this over with. He would be leaving back to the Alliance soon enough.

As he entered the room, the first thing that struck him was the brightness, or rather the lack thereof. It was soothing actually, and he finally had an answer to why the pounding had been there in the back of his head since waking up (does one “wake up” from death?). His eyes sighed in relief as the glaring light receded behind him as he reached the middle of the empty space. Confused, he looked around, Where is this so called Illusive Man?

Just as the thought had been formulated, an orange column of  light emanated from beneath, spinning as a hologram encaged him, new surfaces in the wake of the wave that washed over the room. Shepard glanced around, disbelieving at the sheer size of the illusion, not noticing the chair forming and the man sitting in it.

“Commander Shepard.”

His attention focused to the middle of the room where digitally displayed was a sophisticated man, no more than middle age, lounging cross legged. His pale features were obscured, though Shepard definitely noticed the exquisite fabric of the man’s suit. The whole affair was decadent and minimalistic simultaneously, and Shepard, eased his stance, not wanting to appear confrontational at the outset. If what Miranda and Jacob were saying is true, then he couldn’t rush headlong into this situation. He needed to get his bearings; possibly figure out where the Illusive Man was hiding, and then take the info to the Alliance. The other man took a drag from his cigarette as a burning star haloed with blue fire raged behind him.

“Illusive man. I thought we’d be meeting face to face.”

“A necessary precaution. Not unusual for people who know what you and I know.” What does he know?

“You might be the reason I’m still alive, but that doesn’t mean I trust you.” It was difficult for Shepard to be facing the man in charge of so many atrocities to keep his calm, but as the Illusive Man just said...it was necessary.

“You need to put your personal feelings aside.”

* * *

 

Normandy

The lettering on the side of the ship hadn’t changed, but she had put on a bit of weight, moving up the class size, pushing the definition of a frigate. But it wasn’t the same. Shepard ran his hands along the interior railing at the star chart, eyes closed as the memories from the last time he stood in this spot-No, not this spot. A different ship. A different life, he had to remind himself.

He heard the familiar shuffle-drag of boots along the grates and grit his teeth as he screwed his eyes even more tightly. _Breath before body_...he thought, a mantra he picked up from...before the Normandy and the Saren chase, as he inhaled through his nose and blew out, puffing his cheeks in the process. It did little to soothe the tension rising, and he could feel his eezo nodes pulsing as his nervous system pushed the more current through them; his whole body was responding to the stressor.

The meeting with the Illusive Man strained his patience thin enough, but that was to be expected. The man obviously had no qualms or regrets about his “organization”, but at least he had vision. Shepard didn’t agree with it (especially since he had been personally affected, if not outwardly targeted twice now), and would be loathe to admit respect, but he could understand; humanity is the neophyte in the galactic community, and with the lingering mistrust simmering beneath a veneer of pleasantries with respect to the Council (Sovereign’s defeat being de-emphasized), Cerberus wasn’t a bad idea on paper, but in practice...that remained to be seen.

What didn’t have to be seen, and what Shepard labelled as a first strike, in the Should I Destroy Cerberus ledger, was the first thing he saw outside of that meeting.

From the loose stance, to that cocky pose and smug grin; everything about seeing Joker again pissed him off. The entire time his former pilot was talking to him, horsing around like nothing had changed, Shepard was replaying his last few moments from his memories over and over again; each time melting further and further into a molten rage as all he could think of was how utterly selfish and stupid not to mention completely unprofessional the other man had been; what he had cost him, and how because of Joker, and his inability to see that absolutely no one beside him gave a flying fuck about his handicap, he cost the life of at least Shepard and who knows how many other crewman trying to save “his ship”.

And now, he was heading this way.

From the Illusive Man’s perspective it had probably been seen as a pragmatic decision, giving Shepard as much familiarity as possible, but Shepard knew, the truth petrified in his bones, that he could never forgive him, that Joker would never be anything remotely near anyone he wanted to be around again.

His eyes darted around the space, involuntarily catching little details, like that crew woman’s nose hair, or this crewman’s acne. When he talked to the Illusive Man, he jokingly mentioned upgrades, but it was the truth, everything was so much MORE than he remembered, in fact, during the whole escape fiasco, he was distracted by the scratching of the fabric of the clothes against his skin. But maybe that’s what being dead for two years does to you…

Just as the offending person got within range, and Shepard was going to have to be forced to explain to Miranda just why there was a Joker sized bloodsmear on the bridge, he heard a voice calling from behind him.

“Hey Shepard, you got a minute?”

Whirling in place and and taking as long as strides as possible, he definitely caught the fleeting hurt that crossed Joker’s face, and he did NOT miss the icy glare directed at the owner of the voice and the small shrug that was passed back. Wordlessly they went into the armory, Shepard bracing his hands on the small table and Jacob leaning against the gun rack.  

His heart rate mellowed and Shepard glanced up from the table, his blue eyes meeting the gaze of dark brown orbs. The side of his mouth quirked as he fought to find the words to explain himself, but Jacob just shook his head, raising a hand to quiet him.

“Don’t worry about it.” He gestured to a chair and Shepard sat, fidgeting under a stern gaze. Eventually, Jacob turned and moved to the gun rack, silently taking apart every weapon, checking and cleaning. The rhythmic clicking and locking provided a steady metronome and Shepard soon found his eyelids heavy and body lethargic. The last thing he saw before the world went dark were Jacob’s shoulders tensing and flexing under the skintight suit top.

When he awoke some time later, he was alone. The entire rack had been cleaned and restacked, ammunition set aside for their upcoming mission. Shepard stood, stretching and yawning as he felt his back pop. His arms swung down faster than he expected and he hissed as his hand smacked the chair. Still getting used to the new body. There wasn’t much time before they hit Freedom’s Progress, so he decided to roam the ship more, to get his blood pumping before going through his pre-mission rituals.

Though the ship was larger, with more comforts than the previous Normandy, the basic design was the same, and he found himself humming idly, marveling at just how closely everything was almost replicated, down to the last detail. Of course there were upgrades when applicable, but still it was unnerving to feel so at home yet so stranded aboard the vessel.

As he stood in the elevator, he folded his arms, rubbing on his shoulders, and caught his reflection in the polished sheen of the metal doors. The ship’s AI, EDI as it called itself, filtered through the speakers.

“Ms. Lawson would like you to know that even though the systems are automated Shepard, the elevator will not move without input. ”

“Wha-? Oh. Yea. Thanks.” Wearily, Shepard steeled himself. Same shit, different day...or life as the case may be.

  
  



End file.
